


Dark Marketing

by mochibuni



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Office, Comedy of Errors, Crack, Gen, this is a very silly fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21516193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochibuni/pseuds/mochibuni
Summary: On the fourth floor of Dark Kingdom Enterprises sits their abysmal yet sometimes ingenious marketing department, DARK MARKETING. Lead by Mio “Beryl” Kuroki and her team of four, their motto is Just Get It Done.These are their stories.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 10





	1. Toothpaste

**Author's Note:**

> A crack fic idea inspired and encouraged by the sen/shi bang group. Special thanks to Startling Sinclair (https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starling_Sinclair/pseuds/Starling_Sinclair) for the edits to this chapter.

  
  


On the fourth floor of Dark Kingdom Enterprises sits their abysmal yet sometimes ingenious marketing department, DARK MARKETING. Lead by Mio “Beryl” Kuroki and her team of four, their motto is Just Get It Done.

These are their stories.

*****

**“Toothpaste”**

With the creak of the conference room door came the ample figure of Mio “Beryl” Kuroki attempting to slide all parts of herself through the sliver of the crack her subordinate’s chair allowed. She hissed, hitting the door against the chair to no response.

“Just let her in already,” grumped a loud baritone voice from across the room. Beryl could see Masato “Nephrite” Sanjouin slouched in his chair, arms crossed, with his waves of dark curls falling across broad shoulders and barrel chest.

“This meeting started half an hour ago,” shrilled the unmoving chair, “Everyone who needs to be in is in.”

“Consider,” offered a very low, one-note tone, unmistakably Shin “Kunzite” Kunsaito to Beryl’s ear, “If you extend this meeting any further, it will likely cut into your afternoon beauty rest.”

The chair clucked a bit before Beryl could make out the distinct scratching of metal legs and was greeted to the full body of Izou “Zoisite” Izono leaning against the open door. His long honey ringlets were immaculately tousled, his fashionable shirt freshly pressed, and the pointed features of his face dark and pinched. “Boss what are you doing out here?” he asked with feinted surprise as she pushed passed him, whipping her mane of red spirals at his face.

The newest acquisition to the team, Jed Taitou, jumped up from his seat to bow. “Morning, Miss Kuroki,” he boomed, his pale face a shade of pink nearly reaching his blonde roots.

“Beryl,” she corrected, sliding past him to the head of the conference table.

“Beryl?”

She sat down in her chair and swiftly turned to Jed, eyeing him from top to bottom, tutting at his rolled sleeves and pooling pant legs. “And you will be...Jadeite. Everyone, please welcome our newest team member, Jadeite!”

“Ahh yes I’m Jed Taitou from Sales,” he immediately launched, bowing to all corners of the room before frantically looking up mid bow, “Wait what, ‘Jadeite?’”

“Our meeting today is about our company’s new toothpaste product,” Beryl began, ignoring Jed now Jadeite all together, “If you’ll open your product information packets...”

“Look we all have nicknames here,” Zoisite explained, waving Jadeite to sit down already. Jadeite did as he was told, climbing back into his chair at lightning speed, before it dawned on him to protest further.

“Just roll with it,” Nephrite muttered under his breath from across the table before continuing on, “Kunzite and I believe animals may be the way to go for marketing toothpaste.”

Beryl raised a thinned eyebrow. “Animals?”

“Yes, animals! People seem to really like animals! Like big bears--”

“It’s always bears with you, Nephrite,” Zoisite rolled his eyes.

“Better than your stupid exotic birds,” Nephrite snarled, jabbing a finger in the slender man’s general direction.

“I think we should go with kittens,” Kunzite monotoned, unwavering at the chorus of groans around the table. His pin-straight silver hair pulled low gleamed in the overhead lights, almost menacingly. “Girls like kittens.”

“We’ve gone over this multiple times, not everything needs to be or can be marketed to girls,” Beryl sighed, her face partially covered with her hand. It was hard to say if she was hiding from frustration or the tiny bit of fear from facing the looming figure of her tanned and toned second in command directly opposite at the long end of the table.

“We can call it ‘Meow Meow Toothpaste,’” Kunzite continued. Beryl covered the rest of her face with her free hand. “The jingle will be, ‘Meow meow meow tooth meow meow meow paste--”

“Miss Beryl, do you need another hand to help cover your face?” Jadeite offered, holding up his free hand for her to see between splayed fingers.

“--Meow Meow Tooth. Paste. Ding.”

“Anyone else have a pitch?” Beryl continued on, not sure if Kunzite’s stony expression was his normal stony expression or annoyed stony expression. “Absolutely anyone?”

“You know if you made more of an effort at actually managing,” Zoisite began.

“ANYONE ELSE?”

“Well...” Jadeite offered, clearing his throat, “I know today is my first day and I haven’t spent long looking at the packet...”

Beryl quickly shook her head. “That’s okay. We welcome all ideas here. We’re a very welcoming group.” She gestured to the room; the room raised a collective eyebrow in response.

“Okay then!” Jadeite said, swelling under Beryl’s bright smile, “So off the top of my head, my idea is this: Toothpaste, it cleans your teeth and is fresh!” Jadeite waved his hands, “Fresh!”

Four sets of eyes peered at Jadeite from all corners of the room, the looming quiet stretching for several minutes until it was broken by the hoarse crack of Beryl’s voice. “All you did was describe what toothpaste does.”

Jadeite nodded enthusiastically, “Yes! It’s sparkling and fresh!”

“We’re rolling out Meow Meow Toothpaste, start prepping,” Beryl panned, immediately standing up and banging Zoisite’s chair until he let her out the door.

******

“Dark Marketing, this is Jed Taitou,” Jadeite answered the main phone after what felt like decades of ringing seemingly unheard by the rest of his colleagues. “They must be busy prepping Meow Meow Toothpaste,” Jadeite thought, scanning over each of their desks, their backs turned towards him.

“Hello hello!” exclaimed a high pitched and squealing voice blasting through the receiver, “Is Mr. Kunzite there?”

“Mr. Kunzite? Yes, let me see if--”

“I’ll be taking that,” Nephrite immediately appeared at Jadeite’s side, swooping the phone into his hand. “Miss Tsukino, is that you?”

“Eh?” Jadeite puzzled, stumbling away.

“It’s a customer named Usagi Tsukino,” Kunzite clarified over the ensuing conversation with Nephrite’s voice rising ever so.

“‘Customer’ is pushing it,” Zoisite corrected, leaning around his computer screen. “I don’t think she’s purchased a single thing from our company.”

“Then why does she call--”

“My voice is too just as rich and chocolatey as Kunzite’s!” Nephrite bellowed, grasping the receiver with both hands. “My hair is brown, just like chocolate!”

“My hair is golden like the weights of truth and justice, and I say your voice isn’t rich or chocolatey enough!” Miss Tsukino’s voice screeched.

“JUST WAIT,” Nephrite yelled, storming over to Kunzite’s secret candy drawer and pulling out a chocolate bar.

“I was saving that for--”

“NOW, YOU WERE SAVING IT FOR ME TO EAT NOW,” Nephrite corrected, jamming the bar into his mouth. He pulled the receiver up to his face, “WELF MUH MOUFF HALF CHOFCULATE SO WAH NOWF MIZ TSUKFEENO???”

Silence fell upon the office as Nephrite continued to eat the chocolate, holding the phone triumphantly at his certain genius. Finally, Miss Tsukino replied, “You’re gross,” and hung up.

*****

Loud gnashing and lamenting of not being gross bellowed from Nephrite’s hunched figure, fist banging on his desk. Kunzite patted his back for some time before asking, “How did you know my secret candy drawer was there?”

“IT’S NOT A SECRET WHEN YOU KEEP PULLING CANDY OUT OF IT IN FRONT OF ALL OF US,” Nephrite looked up with bleary eyes before dramatically planting his face back onto the surface of his desk.

“Oh, I see,” Kunzite replied, nodding his head. “But I did it so quietly and slow. I didn’t think any of you could see that well.”

“That doesn’t even make sense. What are you on?” Zoisite peered up at Kunzite, appearing at the side of Nephrite’s desk, the product toothpaste in hand.

“Well my doctor has prescribed--”

“Nevermind,” Zoisite replied waving his hand. “Here, go clean your teeth from that chocolate.” He nudged the paste tube on Nephrite’s shoulder. The somber man only nodded, gripping the tube tightly and marching off to the bathroom.

“And take notes on what it’s like, for our prep!” Zoisite called after the last of Nephrite’s hulking figure disappearing around the corner.

Jadeite sighed, a pen balanced on his upper lip. “If you’re wondering if it’s always like this, it’s always like this,” came a soft and boyish voice from an equally boyish figure placing mail in Jadeite’s inbox.

“I was trying to think up something good for the pitch, but...have you always been here?”

“Oh I haven’t introduced myself!” the young man brightened, “I’m Ace Saijyo. I’m the Dark Marketing intern.” He bowed, his mop of fine white hair bobbed above Jadeite’s desk.

“I’m Jed Taitou, but I guess I’m Jadeite now?” he mused, ruffling his hair. “Do you also have a nickname?”

“Well, no,” Ace answered slowly, “But--”

“Hey You!” Zoisite called, beckoning Ace with his hand. “Come here, we need your help.”

Ace gave a deep sigh, frustration etched across his delicate face. “Coming,” he replied with a slow amble. Zoisite tapped his polished Italian leather clad foot until Hey You arrived within arm’s length. “What can I help you with--”

“Here take these,” Zoisite said dumping a box of toothbrushes and an assortment of colored clay into Hey You’s unsuspecting arms. “Use the clay to make and affix cat faces onto the toothbrush handles.”

“Make the faces cute,” Kunzite added as Hey You only nodded and stalked off to his corner desk, his chest folded over the contents in his arms.

Nephrite burst into the office, throwing his mane of chestnut hair for good measure. “Well I am sparkly and fresh!” he cheered holding the toothpaste tube aloft, “It’s just like Jeddy here said!”

“‘Jeddy?’” Jadeite questioned as Nephrite gave him a good shoulder punch.

“Sparkly and fresh-- anything else?” Zoisite asked, looking up from his memo pad of scribbles.

“The toothpaste was pink and smelled of strawberries.”

A slight victorious grin cracked across Kunzite’s face. “I guess it was for girls,” Zoisite groaned, taking the tube from Nephrite.

“What do we do next?” Jadeite asked, rubbing his shoulder.

“We’ll put the marketing packet together and submit it to sales,” Kunzite answered.

“Doesn’t Miss Beryl need to approve it first?”

Nephrite shook his head, “She never does.” He gestured towards her desk. A night mask covered her face as she leaned back in her chair.

“HEY YOU,” Zoisite called to the corner of the office, “When you’re done with one, bring it over so we can start assembling the product packet.”

******

  
  


PRODUCT: Meow Meow Toothpaste  
SLOGAN: It’s Sparkly and Fresh!  
AD JINGLE: Meow meow meow tooth, meow meow meow paste. Meow meow tooth. Paste. (End with sparkle sound)  
PRODUCT DESCRIPTION: Pink like a kitten’s paw in a strawberry patch, this fresh paste will give a sparkle to your breath! Paired with the Meow Meow Toothbrush, girls and kitten lovers will be delighted to spend time with the cute kitten decal morning and night!


	2. Mamoru Chiba from Accounting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beryl's monthly meeting with Mamoru Chiba from Accounting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all my SM Bang people, but this chapter dedicated specifically to Vee and her precious Kunzite.

On the fourth floor of the Dark Kingdom Enterprises sits their abysmal yet sometimes ingenious marketing department, DARK MARKETING. Lead by Mio “Beryl” Kuroki and her team of four, their motto is Just Get It Done.

These are their stories.

*****

**"Mamoru Chiba from Accounting"**

“Good morning,” Beryl chirped, clamoring through the office at five past eight. Her electric red stilettos clipped at the worn tiles as she weaved between desks, flourishing the curves of her body cinched in nylon and chiffon.

“Good morning!” Jadeite stood with a bow. “You seem cheerful this morning, Miss Beryl!”  
  
“When am I not?” Beryl neatly turned to face Jadeite, gesturing demurely to herself.  
  
“And nearly on time,” Zoisite added from his desk. A loud clack was heard from Beryl’s stiletto signaling Zoisite to retreat back to his coffee.

“I meant more than usual,” Jadeite stammered, bowing again.

Beryl tutted with a sly smile, “Come now Jadeite, no need to be nervous. Like I said on your first day, we’re a very welcoming group.” She patted his shoulder, drawing a sheepish grin across his face. “I’m pleased today because it’s accounting day, it’s my favorite day of the month.”  
  
“That’s amazing!” he commended. “Being so active in our finances is truly wonderful, especially when so many managers I’ve known are pointedly not. I’m very thankful to be working under you.”.

“Don’t be,” Nephrite’s voice shattered through Beryl’s basking of adoration. “She likes the guy assigned to our office from accounting. Darien Shields or something like that.”  
  
“That’s not even close to his name!” Beryl hissed.

“His name is Mamoru Chiba,” Kunzite corrected without looking up from his screen. The steady rhythm of keystrokes blended into the morning noise.  
  
“But she calls him her “Sweet Endymion-kun” or whatever in her office,” Zoisite added, ignoring Beryl’s newly manicured nails unleashing like painted claws from her fingers.  
  
“Well he must be a very good accountant if Miss Beryl likes him so,” Jadeite concluded, thumping his fist in hand, as Zoisite backed slowly away from Beryl.  
  
“Yes, the best!” Beryl nodded enthusiastically, turning away from the retreating petite man and clasping both hands together. “He’s wonderfully tall and handsome, with jet black hair and piercing blue eyes. He sometimes wears these adorable tortoiseshell glasses that make him look as smart as he truly is,” Beryl teetered, making circles with her hands and moving them up to her face to demonstrate. “And how he wears his suits! So lean! And when he bends over it’s a little bit tight--”

“He’s a bit boring,” Zoisite interjected, peeking over his formidable wall of binders and staplers he had quickly assembled to ward off an attack from Beryl’s nails.

  
“You’re a bit boring,” she immediately rebuffed. Zoisite scoffed, crossing his arms and sinking behind his wall.

“He is a good man,” Kunzite offered without pause in his work. “He works hard and is diligent with deadlines.”

Beryl beamed, “You’ve always been one of good reputation and taste--”

“He also likes kittens.”

“WHAT IS WITH YOU AND KITTENS?” Beryl exclaimed, eyes wide, in Kunzite’s direction. He only shrugged.

*****

Mamoru Chiba was tall and lean, with broad shoulders draped in a well fitted and perhaps unfashionable olive green suit. The tortoiseshell glasses as Beryl described sat neatly on his long nose and his off brand shoes, as Zoisite insisted they were, polished and offered a light thud as he marched straight into Beryl’s office. Jadeite had to agree he looked impeccable, except for a few tufts of jet black hair that didn’t seem to want to stay down.

“Boring,” Zoisite whispered under his breath as Beryl invited Mamoru to sit while seating herself on the corner of her desk and leaning inwards.

“And what would be not boring to you?” Nephrite chuckled, pushing away from his desk for his 10th break of the morning.

> (_ “Miss Kuroki, please, sit at your desk.” _)

  
Zoisite opened his mouth and then paused, “I was going to retort on the olive green suit, but I suppose you’d have to be a truly special kind of person to insist on wearing that color every day.”

> (_ “But isn’t it much easier and more comfortable for me to sit closer?” _)

Nephrite nodded solemnly, “I suppose we must respect that.”

> (_ “May I remind you again that it does not.” _)

A moment of silence and gentle nods blanketed the office before Jadeite could disrupt it. “So what do you think is cool?”

> (_ “But we’ve never tried it this way--” _)

Nephrite stroked his chin for a moment. “Exotic animals, sports, astrology-- really anything that stirs passion and guts!”

> (_ “Miss. Kuroki.” _)

“Like designing wedding dresses,” Zoisite offered with a sly look.

> (_ “Fine fine, I’ll sit in my chair. Okay, let’s begin.” _)

A long and audible sigh escaped from Beryl’s office. Between the window blinders Jadeite could see Beryl nuzzling her bosom on top of her desk with Mamoru doing his best to push them away with a file folder.

“Gorgeous women glowing in one of the fanciest gowns of their life? Of course!”

> (_ “Miss Kuroki, we’re missing several accounting items from last month as outlined here. Can you please provide them?” _)

“Chocolate parfaits.”

> (_ “Oh that’s not so many this time!” _)

“YOU KEEP PARFAITS OUT OF THIS,” Nephrite bellowed, his brown curls flourishing as he jumped to his feet.

> (_ “Miss Kuroki, last time was all but one item was missing. This time it’s at least half, that’s still not good.” _)

“What’s wrong with parfaits?” Jadeite asked in stunned confusion. Hey You frantically waved his hands in hopes of stopping Jadeite from imploring further.

> (_ “Progress is progress, though! Wouldn’t you say I’m *improving* and it’s all because of *you*.” _)

“THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH PARFAITS,” Nephrite rounded. Zoisite stifled a giggle behind thin fingers. “THEY ARE DELICIOUS AND MAGICAL. THEY ARE THE TASTE OF FIRST LOVE.”

> (_ “Miss Kuroki, can you please provide these missing items.” _)

Nephrite continued to rant passionately, tears welling in his eyes, for several seconds until Zoisite finally waved him down. “Alright, alright, that’s enough. Why don’t you tell Jade about your Old Spice commercial.” Zoisite giggled again, his pale green eyes glinting in the overhead fluorescent lighting, as Nephrite’s demeanor immediately changed.

> (_ “Oh sure, anything for you, Chiba-kun. I’m sure they’re in these boxes.” _)

“Ah yes, I was the Japanese Old Spice commercial actor,” Nephrite flexed while posing with one foot on top of his chair. He flashed a large toothy grin. 

> (_ “Everything in here is unlabeled or misnamed!” _)

Jadeite’s eyes went wide as he stumbled towards Nephrite and gestured to his flexing barrels for arms. The larger man warmly nodded and Jadeite adoringly gave the muscles a squeeze.

> (_ “Oh no! Who could have done that? It must have been Zois-- Mr. Izono--” _)

“It’s just like I thought it would be,” Jadeite whispered.

> (_ “Miss Kuroki...” _)

“I am the man your girlfriend wishes you could smell like,” Nephrite recited with a wink, to Jadeite’s glee.

> (_ “I’ll speak to him about that.” _)

Another audible sigh escaped Beryl’s office, though the bristling irritation broke Jadeite from his trance as Mamoru packed up his files and immediately stood.

“Hey Kunz,” Nephrite called to the still working statue of a man and flex.

> (_ “Take the rest of the day to prepare these items CORRECTLY, I’ll return tomorrow to finish this meeting.” _)

Without looking, Kunzite lifted his own arm and flexed. A bicep bulged through his freshly pressed dress shirt. “Tch,” Nephrite scowled and sat down as delight chorused from his coworkers.

> (_ “Leaving so soon, Chiba-kun?! We could prepare the items together!” _)

“Good day, Miss Kuroki,” Mamoru bowed from outside her office door before turning to leave as quickly as possible. The four men and the intern watched his retreating figure slip through the door without a sound while ignoring the sound of breaking pencils echoing from Beryl’s office.

“The bigger issue is that Mamorien Sheilba doesn’t like her at all,” Nephrite chuckled leaning back in his chair, arms behind his head.

“Maybe if she dressed up as a kitten...” Jadeite trailed off as every eye in the room turned on him, bringing the office to a complete halt.

Zoisite coughed, “Are you daft--”

“Do you really think that would work?” Beryl asked eagerly, head popping out from her office doorway.

“Well, I don’t know--” Jadeite blushed and Beryl bounded her way to his desk side, clasping both of his hands in her’s and pulling them up to her chin, her shyest smile peeking out over them.

“YES,” Zoisite loudly confirmed, jumping up from his desk. “I’m one hundred percent sure Mamoru Chiba will love it if you dressed up as a cat for him.”

Beryl turned towards Zoisite, eyes narrowed. “Like I’d trust you.”

“No he’s right!” Nephrite jumped up in agreement seeing a frantic hand wave from Zoisite. “Any man would go crazy for that, and you know what kind of man I am,” slapping his desk in emphasis.

Beryl eyed Nephrite thoughtfully, watching his posture change to swelling confidence and sporting his Old Spice grin. She darted a look back at Zoisite doing his best to feign interest. “Okay,” she said slowly, crossing her arms. “Cat me up before he returns tomorrow.”

*****

At 10am on the dot the still olive suit clad Mamoru Chiba strode into the marketing department and immediately paused at the sight of Kunzite diligently typing away at his desk. “Mr. Kunsaito-- what are you wearing?”  
  
Kunzite tilted his head slightly, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose as his steel gaze met Mamoru’s. The very tall and intimidating man sat with perfect posture, clad inside what Mamoru believed to be the softest and fluffiest orange cat suit he had ever seen. The hood was pushed neatly over Kunzite’s silver hair and Mamoru spied cat paw slippers peeking beneath the desk. “A cat suit,” came the monotone reply.

“CLEARY,” Zoisite exclaimed, unable to hold it any longer.

“Well...it looks very comfortable,” Mamoru nodded, “But...why?”

“Ms. Kuroki rejected it,” Kunzite replied honestly. “She said it wasn’t her style.”

“It wasn’t purr-ty enough for her,” Nephrite snorted.

“It did look a-paw-ling on her,” Zoisite agreed with a grin. “--but that’s no reason why he has to wear it!” Kunzite continued on with his work unphased.

Mamoru raised an eyebrow. “I see...” He said before turning to enter Beryl’s office, leaving the men to their banter.

“That’s all he could say? ABOUT THAT?” Zoisite gasped, jabbing his finger in Cat Kunzite’s direction.

Before anyone could answer, the shrillest of yells thundered from Beryl’s office. “MISS KUROKI,” Mamoru screeched, baking up through her office door and into the main working area.

“Good morning, Chiba-kun,” Beryl replied shyly, slowly strutting out of her office and leaning up against her door in the finest sexy play cat outfit Zoisite and Nephrite could find within 24 hours on their shoestring budget. Both men were curled into their desks in an attempt to subdue their cackling.

“THIS IS ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE,” Mamoru observed backing into Hey You’s desk.

“Ina-purr-priate,” Nephrite snickered.

“But not unlikable, correct?” she purred, extending a fuzzy booted leg.

“IT’S NOT EVEN ACCURATE,” he bellowed, his face contorting into the deepest frown. “YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST WORN WHAT MR. KUNSAITO IS WEARING.”

The young accountant emitted what could only be described as an indigent scoff while straightening his tie and marching himself out of the marketing department. Beryl turned sheet white, her spirit attempting to leave her body with Jadeite calling for it to return as Nephrite and Zoisite howled with laughter. Cat Kunzite shrugged.

*****

**OLD SPICE MOCK UP - JAPAN**

**"MASATO SANJOUIN"**

** **


End file.
